4GottenConfessions

So it would seem as if this blog is kind of “4gotten,”  huh?  I guess in the past month or so things have been nothing but more of the same.  And I didn’t feel like reiterating things. 

I’m still seeing OM on a once a month basis.  I’m not complaining about that.  I can’t really.  I have no say in his family life and what he can handle. 

However there seems to be a new devolopement in my life.  I’ve become friends w/ a wonderful, beautiful, genuine, down to earth woman.  She’s absolutely amazing.  And yes, I now have a raging crush on her.  It’s a good thing she’s a lesbian. Altho, not so good because she has a girlfriend. 

Yes, I seem to manage to get my crushes on people that are not attainable.  I’ve realized this.  Not something I aspire to, but not something that can be helped. 

And I can’t help but wish w/ my every breath that something would happen to break them up.  Hell, I wished that for OM and his wife (and it almost did happen!)  But at the same time, I really only want her happiness, I’m willing to forego my own.  She deserves every nice thing this world has to offer her.

So in closing, here’s to hoping I find the guy… OR GIRL…. of my dreams.   She’s given me hope.

OM. The light switch. No sex clause. My toy.  Never again.

All of this is true.  All of this is false.  No matter how much I want that damn light switch to say the hell off it doesn’t want to stay off. It doesn’t like being in that position.  I hate this feeling of not wanting but wanting.

I got my toy from OM this past Tuesday.  (a  Doc Johnson, White Nights, 7″ Vibe, Waterproof, Velvet Touch, Muti-Speed for $12.67) He whipped it out, battery’d it up and turned it on.  I have to admit the actual sound of it is kind of embarassing.  It’s like you know that sound, you know what it means.  Something other than a human is taking care of my needs.  But in the few days I’ve had it, I’ve played w/ it every night to my heart’s content. 

I rather enjoyed holding it on my clit, moving it up and down my pussy lips as OM watched.  As he placed 1 sometimes 2 dildos in my cunt.  Or a few fingers.  I really loved when he placed his tongue right next to the vibrator on  my clit.  A man who’s not afraid to get his face close to a phallic toy is arousing. 

He said it’s not everyday you get to see a beautiful woman masterbate and I couldn’t help but think of his wife.  His wife should be doing this for him.  I know if he was my husband or even just a significant other there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him sexually.  But I’m like that w/ anyone I want to fuck, I like being open minded and rather enjoy the hell out of it.   And I was about to say he could see it everyday if he’d like.  He knows he has an open invitation to come see me.  Even tho that light switch is off, it’s still on when it comes to sexual things.   And him.

And it’s funny, I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle him coming over and just going  down on me, playing w/ my toys in me. I thought it’d frustrate me to no end like it did last time.  But I was okay w/ it all.  I’m amazed.  I thought for sure I’d be wanting to beg him to slide his cock inside me.  But I didn’t.  I even let him stay dressed. I even let him walk out my door while I held the vibrator on my clit for the other elusive orgasm I was straining for.  He understood.  He told me not to get up.  He left me w/ 2 kisses on my forehead.  (And you know how I am about him kissing me!)

And he told me not to forget about him.  How could I?  He’s the one I’ve been lusting after for the past 2 years.  I guess things like this don’t go away easily.  They put up a fight.  Fists up. Shoulders squared. Legs spread. Ready to do battle.  I think this, me being in lust, is gonna be around for quite some time.  Until he tells me no more.  Or until I want him so much I’ll go crazy w/ not having him.  But don’t worry, my middle name ain’t Stalker.

OM no longer works w/ me.  Now it’ll be few and far between that I see him.  Hell I may never see him again. 

It’s kinda sad him not working there anymore.  In essense he’s been my longest “relationship.”  I was kind of teary-eyed when he left Friday.  Altho he did say he’d call me later.  His later has yet to be defined. 

I’m sad.  Kind of depressed.  And yes, a little disappointed.  I can’t say that  I don’t want him to come over one last time and lick me till I scream and almost fall off the bed.  Again.

I’m contradictory. I’m contrary. I’m also indecisive.  This makes for some rather disappointing shit.  Especially in my life and how I view things.  I can’t stand it.    Here’s 3 things wrong w/ me.

1.   OM is taking early retirement.  There’s a bunch of shit going down where we work and they’re offering  early retirement/severance packages to upper management.  Or the possibility of transferring to another department. Or just staying there and hoping he’s not one of the many that will get fired.  

He emailed me at home and told me his last day is as early as May 9th as late as May 23rd.  I’m kind of conflicted over this. A little bit upset, a little bit relieved.   But in the email he also revealed he was planning on leaving June 1st anyways.   So I’m glad this worked out for him.  His leaving was just made a little sweeter.  

But at the same time…. like I said, I’m a little upset.  And I hate that I feel this way since I’ve super glued the light switch in the off position.  (And I plan on keeping it there. —- Out of sight, out of mind!)  But I won’t get to talk to him whenever I want.  I could email him, but it’s not the same.  The man has been in my life for almost 7 years now.  I’m use to him.  I think that’s what’s bothering me.

Either way my feelings changed depending on the hour this week, I’m going to miss him.

2.  OIC…. not so much anymore.  It’s been almost 2 months, or has actually been over 2 months since I’ve told him to start taking me seriously in my pursuit of happiness.   Last night was the final straw.  I let him know how I feel, although he couldn’t answer back because as always he’s “BRB.”   I think that right there is what pushed me over the edge.  I basically told him I was sick of his shit.  Either stop playing the game and take me seriously or get the fuck out of my life.   We’ll see what happens, but I’m not  holding my breath and I’m not counting on anything. 

3.  I’ve come across a guy who has a damn sexy voice.  And kept me on the phone for a little over an hour… past my bedtime.  He has a great sense of humor.  He’ll paint my walls, do my dishes, and a plant my flowers all for the whopping price of “all my silver stars.”   Granted, I don’t have silver stars, and I hope he knows I’m joking, but it’s fun nonetheless.  However, yes — a however, he’s rather short for a guy.  And it’s something that bothers me.  But at the same time I think: Hmmmm…. wonder what sex would be like w/ him.  I bet it wouldn’t be awkward because we’d almost be perfectly lined up.   He does have his age going for him.  7 years and 4 days difference than me.   And he has a job.  Hopefully a more stable one than mine.  Ha ha ha.  And he has a house, w/ a pool.   So yay! for independence and maturity!

I feel like I should be pulling my hair out. But at the same time I know next week, I’ll be back to my calm, cool, collected self.  Or somewhere relatively close to there.  Until then, I remain aggravated. 

The lightswitch is off.  Completely.  Even thru his hidden innuendos and shameless flirting and touching.  It’s off.  There’s nothing there anymore.  And he just bought me a toy.  I’m assuming it’s a vibrating toy.  He’s suppose to call me later so he can come over and give it to me, but I won’t be home tonight.  I actually have plans. 

Something about the no BJ rule got to me.  I can’t handle not being able to do what I want.  Oh and that not so little no fucking rule.  It frustrates me to not be able to fuck.  Especially since that’s what I like best.  So why should I get all frustrated when I’m not going to get what I want in the end?!  It’s just not worth it.

He’s still attractive to me, but I don’t want to be pampered by his tongue anymore.  . . . . Unless, of course, I get fucked sometime soon…Then maybe I’ll just want it to be about me.   Who am I kidding, fucking is ALL ABOUT ME!

****Update: he never bothered to call this past weekend.  Instead he’s now saying he’ll bring it by or get it to me sometime this week.  I’m seriously thinking of ways I can avoid being home.  That way I won’t be lying to him when I say I’m going to be busy.   He really shouldn’t have bought me the toy.  It’s not something I need.  Or actually want.    Especially if I have to use it first w/ him.****

This just in. . . . OM loves blow jobs.  But………… Yes, my god there’s a fucking but……… damn shame.  Blow jobs are in his “no sex” clause.   Evidently, I can suck and lick on his balls, but placing that nice fucking cock in my mouth is a no go.  

Oh holy fuck.  Ya know, that kind of pisses me off, especially since I was just getting back into wanting to give head….And w/out receiving anything for my attentions.  

I was actually starting to daydream.  Inviting him over.  Getting him thru the door, then either a.) dragging him into my bedroom, get him comfy on the bed, then strip him from the waist down, and go to down on his dick; or b.) tear his pants off at the door and get on my knees and lick, suck till my heart’s content or till he explodes in my mouth. 

But NO…. Fuck NO it ain’t going to happen.   My only hope is that I wear him down.  But there’s no fucking way of that.  Oh it’s just so fucking aggravating. 

“It turns off, turns on, gets stuck in the middle and the light flickers.”  It’s fucking flickering.  And it’s driving me absolutely fucking mad.   More on this  in a minute.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder is a load of fucking crap.  Except for the in the case of the OIC, altho, lately I’ve come to learn, I don’t like him ignoring me.  I don’t like him taking me “seriously.” Actually, I’ve come to loathe that word w/ a passion and I hope someone kills it.   With OIC, his being MIA isn’t making me fonder, nor is being out of sight making him out of mind.  But that’s neither here nor there.

As for the lousy lay I call the OPW, I think one Saturday of not answering my phone has cured him of his irrational need to waste a couple minutes of my day.

And along the lines of those who come back into my life, Eagles has become public enemy #1.   Ok, well my public enemy #1.  I am about to hurt him, if I could ever get my hands on him.  Which ok, will be never. So I guess my dreams of serious physical harm will never come to fruition.  He’s been giving me the run around and I’m getting sick of it, as you can see.  And I’m getting tired of his laid back view of us meeting.  It’ll happen when it happens.   Ha!  I don’t think so.  I don’t think I’ll ever meet him and ya know, I’m “seriously” okay w/ that. Honest.  I’m not even physically attracted to the man, but I know he’s okay w/ how I look which makes him the best candidate to fuck me silly.   After he made me a promise he doesn’t intend to keep because he’s “not perfect,” well, I don’t know if I want him in my life as anything, let alone a lover.

Ok, so back to this damn light switch that’s on the fritz.  It’s been almost a month since OM has had his head between my legs giving me the severe tongue lashing I so deserve.   In my mind, since it’s been so long, I came to the conclusion that what happened wasn’t happening again, and I became okay w/ that.  Him and I, just friends.  Nuff said.  The light switch actually turned off.  For a couple weeks, I actually didn’t have anyone to fantasize about before falling asleep.  It was frustrating, but freeing.   But then last Friday, he made some damn comments and that damn light switch turned on again.

On. . . . Again.   But then quickly got turned back off.   But then today.  Turned. Back. On.  It’s his fucking fault.  Actually it’s my fucking fault for lusting after his ass so fucking much.  And it’s all because of his blue eyes.  His white unbuttoned collared dress shirt/blue dress pants.  His soft fuzzy hair.  His white chin stubble.  The way he fucking walks, for Christ’s sake!  It’s his fucking fault! And then I get home to find an email that he sent last night.  That I would have gotten last night if I would have thought he’d email me again.   But I didn’t, because of what I thought!  Arggghhhhhh. 

So we’re back to him wanting to eat my pussy.  And if…. IF…. there is a next time, I’m wrapping my lips around his dick!  But I’m not counting on it.

Yes, that guy who is selfish and only thinks of himself and what will get him off is now back in my life and looking for sex.   The only reason he’s back is because he broke up w/ his girlfriend.  And of course, I’m the first girl he comes running back to.  And all because I’m willing to experiment w/ him.  And there’s some level of “respect” between us.  And because I wore my black robe for him. 

It’s downright ridiculous.  Everything in my life is getting downright ridiculous.  I have the OM who only wants to lick my cunt, finger my ass, and jerk off into my mouth.  I have the One I Crave who has just now started to maybe take me seriously.  And now this dumbass motherfucker who thinks his tiny pinky dick is something that gets me off.  

I guilted the latter man into sending me a picture of his dick the other night.  I didn’t bother to tell him I received it.  I was laughing too much because it’s sad.  I’m going to wonder if I’ll start receiving phone calls around 9:30-10:00 on Saturdays from him.  Because, ya know, I had to bring up the infrequency of our last exploits.  Which wasn’t often at all. I don’t even know if often is rightly defined for the lack of frequency we had.   But he said if we should start fucking again, I can possibly count on every Saturday.  During the weeks, meh, not going to happen.  (I am jumping for joy.)

Ok, so he also said that he realizes he should have participated more in our sexcapes instead of just laying back and letting me service him.  Which I did as soon as he walked in the door till he walked back out the door.   He kept saying that he didn’t know what I wanted, that he’d try to do something but I’d always brush his hands away.  Ya know, this is true.  I would do that, but it was a test.  One he failed miserably.  If he would have just taken charge, he would have gotten everything, EVERYTHING, he wanted plus some.

I just thought of this.  I had to explain to him about the last time he was over.   Remember that? He took off his own shirt.  His own shirt!  His! His own shirt!   He didn’t see anything wrong w/ that.   Imagine what I saw wrong w/ that.   Let’s imagine.  If he wanted to fuck me, and he did by what all was pouring from his mouth, he should have taken off my shirt.  My shirt!  Mine!  My shirt!   I had to fucking explain that to him.  This is where I bang my head on the table or any hard metal surface would do, because if you wanna fuck, why not take charge and rip the woman’s clothes off.  That right there would tell her you mean business.  Especially when said woman would probably rock your fucking world for taking charge like that.  (Especially when she told you she would!)  Hell I’d fuck him till his dick fell off if he even showed one iota of dominance.   

Will he ever take a chance? That’s not the question.  The question is: What’s better, his dick or an erotica book?  I’ll leave you guessing. 

In a previous email sent Thursday to me OM inquired as to whether or not I’d be home Friday night.  The answer was an affirmative.  And he asked “I can eat your pussy too if you would like?”  That was another affirmative answer, along w/ a however.  I told him I’m shy, I can’t make first moves.  He said that wouldn’t be a problem.  So Thursday night I was lucky enough to be able to get to sleep at a decent time, but I remained nervous and anxious thru out the night and into Friday….All the way until he was here.   And then I was okay, but a little nervous wondering if he’d actually want to go thru w/ it.

He did I found out about an hour or so after he was here.  But prior to that,  we were bullshitting.  Except he finally told me when he came to think of me in a sexual nature.  He said it’s because I spoke of sex w/ him.  I was a little shocked, because well - - - we talked about sex often . . . And at work, at that.   I guess he never really thought that I wouldn’t mind doing things of a sexual nature w/ him.   I guess our talks of sex had to be one on one, w/ nobody else around for him to grasp that  what I was always saying to him, was something I’d like to do w/ him.  (Don’t know if that made sense, but it does to me, I suppose.)  So anyways.  We talked about our sexual conversations and he clarified for me that he meant for him traditional sex was too emotionally/feelings involved for him.  (I’m wondering if the only sex he ever had was when he was in relationships?)  So he understands me, that I can have sex w/out getting attached.  

So the lights are blazing as we’re sitting around the table and he finally realizes that the light above is flickering and has been for quite some time.  So I turn it off and proceed to turn on the other light I always use.  He stands up and just walks around for a minute and then looks at me as I’m about to sit back down and he grabs my hand.   He says, “Well, since I have to make the  first move, I’m doing it.”  Ok……………*Internal screaming here*  He walked me into my bedroom, said the light coming from the living room was enough to see by and told me to take off my clothes.  I did that, he took off some of  his.  Told me to prop myself up on the bed…. He gets on the bed w/ me.  I spread my legs and the next thing I know his fingers are spreading my pussy lips.   Then I feel his tongue. 

And what a nice fucking tongue he has!  And such nice fucking fingers too!  And a dirty mouth!  All quite wonderful things!   And I even happen to like his cock.  Altho, I didn’t really get to suck on it, nor did I get to touch it the way I really want to.  But I did get to suck on his balls and swallow his come. 

I don’t really know exactly how long he was eating and fingering me but  I do know it was for over an hour and a half.  And my pussy knows it too because I have that slightly sore feeling down there.  And every time I feel that slightly sore feeling, I smile.  

He said he’d be back the next day and he’d bring along a vibrator.  He never called but I did get an email giving his excuse of having to take his daughter somewhere and then picking her up.  He didn’t say when he’d be able to come over next.  I get the feeling he won’t be over again and I’m not heartbroken or upset about it.  In fact, I kind of feel that’s how it was going to be anyways.   I don’t think I mind.  I had my fun, not complete fun, but I got to find out what it feels like to run my fingers thru his hair.  What his mouth feels like on my pussy and my legs.  What his cock looks like and his come tastes like.  I guess I got almost everything I was lusting after.  So in a way, I’ m satisfied. 

Monday OM came back to work from being off for the better part of the previous week due to sickness.  And upon his return he just happen to be wearing something I find extremely attractive on a man.  Something of the working stiff kind.   A dressy white button down shirt. . . tucked into navy blue dress pants.   The pants can be pretty much anything . . . but it’s the shirt… My god is it the shirt!

Now, I haven’t received an email from him since  early last week, even tho I tried to find out how he was when he was off.  So I was kinda thinking along the, “oh, he’s not interest anymore. . . His wife and him are back on better terms. . . yadda yadda yadda.”  And then I emailed him Monday night to let him know that  I liked what he was wearing during the  day and that there is something extremely sexy about unbuttoned collars (on dress shirts.)   Tuesday he didn’t wear anything but the usual sweater over a polo, so I figured he didn’t get my email.  Now last night, he emailed me about the white dress shirt, but I didn’t get it till today - no idea he read it . . . But I had an inkling when I saw him today wearing another white button down shirt w/ black dress pants.   My face was beaming.  I had a smile from ear to ear.   I couldn’t help but feel completely giddy for the rest of the day; that he possibly wanted me to be happy.  And happy I was.  Altho, when I read the email he sent me last night today, I guess he wanted me to be more than just happy. . . He wanted something else . . . And he got it.  Oh yeah, he got it.

OM: I just got done ironing another white shirt for tomorrow.  Your pussy should be wet all day

He got his wish . . . And I’m getting mine for Friday.  Yes, I made a request of him.  He has this black suede button down shirt that he wears w/ jeans and lets it untucked.   He knows that I’m into textures. I love feeling things.  Like his coat. I didn’t think about it until after I told him I like the feel of it, but the more I do, the more it reminds me of a man’s cock.  Soft and silky.  Minus the hardness, but soft and silky nonetheless.   This is what his black suede shirt reminds me of too.  Kind of.  But I won’t really know until I touch it.  Touch him. While he’s wearing it.  And I think he knows him wearing it is going to make me itchburnyearn to touch it.  I even told him I’ll have to touch him.  I just hope he doesn’t think I need something soft on him to actually touch him.  Because I’m sure I could find something about his body that will satisfy my need for touch. 

**********

On a side note: I’ve been sitting here after reading that email, thinking.  I’ve had dreams about kissing him.  And I would love nothing more than to feel his lips on mine, his tongue delving into my mouth, trading breath for breath.  But, I don’t think I could handle it.  I know if I ever kissed him, I wouldn’t want to stop.  I don’t know if I’m scared he won’t live up to his dream self.  Or if he’ll totally surpass it.  Wow, I wouldn’t be able to handle that.   Because kissing, kissing leads to so many other things.  I don’t feel a Pretty Woman is needed, because I don’t feel that kissing is personal/private, shared between lovers.  

But because I’d want to feel his cock sliding in between my pussy lips, like his tongue sliding in between my other lips.  But he’s already said that sex was out of the question between us.  (However, having him lick my pussy and ass is totally not.  Nor is his dick in my mouth.  Or his come.)  He said sex between us would lead to feelings. His or mine, I’m not sure…And, I tried to make him believe me that I’m not wired that way . . . But, I don’t know.  I don’t want to just settle for his tongue on my clit, in my cunt.  I don’t want to just settle for his dick on my tongue, in my mouth.   I don’t want to just settle for tasting his come w/ out being able to taste my pussy juice on him. 

I know, I’m a pushy, greedy broad.