Realized: Not Submissive

Some guy in a chatroom found me and confessed to being a Dom. I said ok. I thought somewhere in my life I should be submissive, or I felt I had submissive feelings towards men.  So talking to him would entertain me for a bit.

I know when I was w/ my past sexual partners, I was always the aggressive one. I was tired of that. I wanted it to be the other way around. I needed it to be the other way around. 

So this Dom decides to give me a call. And while we’re talking he’s somewhat explaining the nuances of Dom-ism.  Ok, so it goes like this.  He said, “say you really want to suck my cock, I really want you to suck my cock, but I really want you to beg for it, would you beg for it?”  I told him I don’t understand why he would turn me down or make me beg him to do something he really wants.  I don’t understand it at all.  His only answer was, “Because that’s what I want you to do. You begging pleases me.” 

So I’ve taken this to mean that Doms like begging.  Ok, not all Doms – I won’t be general w/ that comment.  But enough of them that I’ve come to the realization that I’m not submissive. I’ve come to the realization that the word I need to use to describe the man I want is aggressive.  No dominance. Just aggression.

Plus, I really suck at begging and no amount of practice will make me better.

Not The Experience, But the Numbers

The number of men I’ve been with since the start of my sexual life is in the double digits.  It’s not something  I readily tell people.  It’s not even something I’ll offer up to a current lover.  For some reason, it shames me to admit it.  Ok, maybe it’s not just some reason, maybe there’s a definitive reason.  There is a definitive reason and it is this:  My mainly Italian controlling ex boyfriend.

At the time I was dating him, the number of men I had had sex with was in the high single digits.  However the amount of men I had given blowjobs to, was a tad higher.  And I made mention of this because I thought total honesty was expected and appreciated.  Plus, oral sex is sex, or a form of it.   I was wrong.

I’m a whore. A slut.  Disgusting.  Worthless.  I am all these things.  I was all these things.  

I helped to egg on the image he had of me as a slut and whore.  When he asked me a question about the men I had been with, I told him the honest answer.  I didn’t hold anything back.   I knew his reaction because he told me from the start that I disgusted him and anything I said after that would disgust him.  I tried to fight his perception of me, but he was right.   There was no way I could make him see differently.

I know I should be proud of who I was . . . there’s nothing to be ashamed of having had a multitude of men. Even tho at my younger age, it wasn’t for the experience, it was for the pleasure of it.  I wasn’t very discriminating.  Anybody that wanted to give me pleasure, I was there. 

Nowadays however, I take a look back and realize that the now-me doesn’t want to do that again. Hearing about a friend’s many partners in one month makes me wonder what the hell she is/was thinking.  The now-me just wants to find that one man I can have many, many experiences with.  Someone I can experiment with and not feel judged or labeled.  However if he were to  call me a whore or slut during the act, I won’t mind.

The Only Lips I’ll Kiss

So I wonderingly wondered if women could kiss better than men.  Simply for that fact that I had had it up to here w/ the men in my life or the lackof men in my life.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t want to know since my friendships w/ women aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Back in the day in my early 20’s my best friend and I had a kiss or two.  Just a meeting of the lips. No tongues involved.  No heavy petting. Nothing quite sexual about it at all.  However I still remember to this day that she had the softest lips mine have ever touched.  I wouldn’t have minded exploring the kissed a little more in depth. 

But that’s neither here nor there.  The lesbian friend I mentioned that  I wouldn’t have minded hooking up w/ would she have been single at that moment has completely turned me off from finding out if I could possibly end up in a relationship w/ a woman.  I may not have had the experience I wanted to, but being her friend was enough for me to go running for the hills.  It was probably that we had just become great friends in a short span of time and I was crushing on her something hardcore for at least a year or two or three before we started conversating that made me think just possibly I could do it.  I could get out of my comfort zone and actually take the next step and actually see a woman as relationship material.   I don’t see it happening anymore.  However I’m not giving up on actually having a lesbian experience. I still have my whole life ahead of me and well …. never say never.  

So I guess until I get up the guts and go for the glory, I’ll remain a great fan of men.  They are something that I could never give up, even if I should stumble upon a woman who doesn’t have the hang-ups women tend to have … being dramatics and all.  I’m just a simple girl wanting a simple guy and possibly a taste of what a woman is.

Something Casual, Maybe

So it’s been a little over 3 months since I’ve last been fucked.  And right about now, I’m wondering if I’m ever going to get fucked again.  But not really. 

It’s become an addiction for me, looking at Craigslist’s Casual Encounters.  And I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I should either post an ad or reply to one?!   Right around this time of the month, the urge to fuck is great… And since I’m nearing my sexual peak, well it’s kinda hard to hold out for “something more.”   

Maybe I’m not meant for something more.  Maybe I’m just meant to suck and fuck as many men who want me?!  I don’t know.  Because it seems like, even from those guys who say they want something more, fucking on the first date is what’s on their agenda.  I could have been laid quite a few times by now if I wasn’t so stubborn!

You know. . . Maybe if I stopped torturing myself w/ those ads and reading other peoples’ sex blogs, I wouldn’t be in this situation?!

On The Road Again

I’m dating.   I don’t know why.  Sometimes it just feels so futile.  But I guess I’m finding something worth all the hassle.

I signed up on a free dating site.  And I’ve come across quite a few guys I’d love to try and find that right chemistry w/.  Someone I’d be able to look at every waking day.  Someone I’d love to meet at the door wearing nothing but a red ribbon and some high heels.  But, alas, they’re not interested in me. 

This website shows you who has looked at you and I’ve gotten quite a few peeks, however, I must not be their type physically …. Because it sure as hell couldn’t be what I had to say.  Come on  — what man is afraid of being loyal.  Of having a job and a car.  Of knowing how to pickup a phone and talk on it.  Of not having to be constantly complimented to stroke their already gigantic ego.  And who promises above all not to lie to me. 

Really …  I don’t ask for much.  And actually, I’m not getting much in return.  In the month I’ve been on the dating site, I’ve gone out on 4 dates, w/ 4 different guys.  None so far have been worthy of repeat offending.  Altho, the one I had just recently, possibly may.  Who knows what’s the my cards.

For someone who loves sex as much as I do, I’m sure not jumping on the guys who want to jump on me.  Maybe in my old age, I’ve gotten a lot more picky, a lot more selective.  Maybe I’m finally getting into that “settling down” stage.   I think that’s what it is.  And I think for once, I’d actually like to write about my sex life w/ one guy …. not many.  

But for now, until I find that knight in shining armor, who has a few tattoos and can be comfy in dickies,  I’ll just be the little hum drum engine that couldn’t.

Virginity Lost . . . Again

As of this past Saturday my non-existant sex life has become null and void.  Altho, I have a feeling it will become quite active again as of the following day.

I had a date.  A date that was suppose to be a mini-golfing extravaganza w/ a friendly wager involved.  However since torrential downpours and poor planning on his part did that activity in, we opted for movie watching.  At my place. 

 No good can come of a man and woman watching a movie where there is a bedroom a few feet away.  Unless you consider awkward getting to know you kisses and even more awkward, “Is he going to fuck me?” questions running thru my head something good.  I suppose in the end, it was good.  Good in the fact that my born-again virgin status has left me for the  time being. 

It started off innocently enough w/ him showing up on my door at about 9:45 in the evening.  He selected a movie of mine to watch since we seemed to have had mixed signals about who was going to be renting a movie.  Popped in the movie and away we went.  It wasn’t like the movie theatres where you yell at a person behind you yacking away about nothing or making those movie going sounds, “oooooh,”  “ahhhhhh,”  “NO! Don’t go in there you fucking idiot!!”  But we only managed to shut up for about 20 minutes of almost 2 hour movie.  The time in between the quiet he spent picking on me.  Or mimmicking me, as he says.  Either way, it was fun and I can’t complain.

After the movie ended the very inevitable, “Are we going to fuck?” resounded thru my head loudly.  Loud enough for me to make the first move and bust out my Bite Me necklace.  I love being bitten, so this helped get his mouth in the right position for kissing me.  We played around w/ that for awhile before I worked our way to my bedroom. 

He had me pushed up against my bed.  My bare breasts in his hands.  His mouth doing torturous things to my neck. My hands stripping him of his shirt. We climbed aboard the bed and he wasted no time in getting my pants off, his fingers up my cunt and his mouth on my clit.  I like a man who goes down on me from the very beginning.  (Altho, I do like a man who’ll eat my pussy like a champ after he’s pumped me till I’m frothing and laps up all the juice he helped to cause.)

After a few raging minutes of me trying unsuccessfully to avoid his mouth and the pleasure he was giving me, he came up for air.  He kissed me.  I do so enjoy tasting myself on a tongue.  I can lick and lap at it all I want w/out fear of feeling like I’m depraved that I want to taste myself.  

I unbuckled his belt.  I freed his cock.  At this time, I learned the man does not own a shaving implement to help control the landscape.  However, I did not let this deter me. I forged on and pushed his pants down his hips.  He then moved to the side and frantically tore his pants and SpongeBob Squarepants boxers off.  I, of course, did the obligatory kissing down his body before I greedily swallowed his cock.  I love the taste of cock.  Especially since I’ve deprived myself of it for so long.  (And have been deprived of it by another.)

I bobbed, I weaved, I swirled.  I sucked, I fucked. I stroked and fondled.  I did everything I remember doing back when I was a blow job giving queen.  I was loving his moans.  His groans of satisfaction.  His, “you’re killing me,” “you’re driving me crazy,” pleasure driven chatter.   I wanted to give it all. I wanted to take it all. 

However my pussy was yelling for attention.  It had been so long feeling that first sure stroke.  And I had minutes to wait.  I don’t know if he needed time to recouperate from the tongue lashing I so richly enjoyed … or if he was as unsure of having sex as I was. 

He spanked my ass. He pulled my hair.  He ran his fingertips down my back.  He bit my neck. He licked my lips.  I turned around and had him spooning me.  I could feel his hard cock trying to search out my pussy.  I arched into him trying to line him up. Hoping upon hope he’d get the picture. 

I turned on my back, placed my leg over his. He thrust his hips and ……… OMG!  He felt so damn good!  I wanted that feeling to stay forever. I love the feeling of having something sliding into me for the first time.  It never gets any better than that.  (Ok, except for that hard driving pounding that only doggy style can give me.) He started fucking me.  And I mean fucking me.  But evidently that wasn’t a good enough position.

He threw my leg over his shoulder and got on his knees.  He fucked me ruthlessly. I was helpless. I loved it.  He laid his weight on top of me. Driving the breath from me as he stroked and ravaged my tight cunt.   I was almost head over heels for this man who was giving what my neglected pussy has been needing for well over a year.   And then he came.

I didn’t want it to stop. I wanted more. I wanted assorted positions. I wanted the thrashing I had been craving for what seems like forever.  I wanted more sweat. I wanted screaming. (Mine, of course.) And pleading, begging.  Some more spanking. A lot more hair pulling. 

But it had been 2 months for him.  I suppose I should cut him a break.  He laid there breathing hard and praising my fellatio skills.  Telling me he’s sorry he didn’t last that long.  I felt way too good.   I’ve heard all this before but coming from him. . . . I’ll take it as it was meant to be: a compliment.

I’ll have to wait to see if this has a to be continued after it.

Friends Oversharing

My one friend, J, who I’ve had for about 7 years, told me that she was in sexual frustration mode.  She wished she could have called off.  She wished she could have at least called late.  Her batteries are running out and she needs more, more, more.

I understand exactly how she feels.  It’s almost the week after my period.  Time to get super sexually frustrated.  Especially since I don’t think I’ll be getting sex any time soon.  Even tho, yes, I’ve had offers.  {And this doesn’t include the pussylicking, vibrating toy fun having my OM has been giving me.  I can’t include that.  It doesn’t involve a man’s cock inside my sopping wet cunt.  Fingers and tongues, toys and props only get me so far…..So far that I’m frustrated even more.}

I digress.  The thing is, it kind of weirded me out that J even alluded to wanting to stay home to masterbate her itch away. That she would have if she didn’t wake up late.   I know she’s a healthy 30-something woman. I get that.  But I’m not exactly comfortable knowing when she does it. I should be grateful she didn’t go into specifics.  

Maybe it’s because we’ve known each other for almost a decade.  Maybe it’s because we’ve shared some of our sexual horror stories.  And maybe it’s because we’re both going thru at least a year’s worth of no sex having.  Or maybe it’s just her?

Back in the day I had this really good friend, a girl.  She had a boyfriend, I had a boyfriend, and the stories would fly between us.  Details, details, details.  I honestly don’t think we ever left anything out.  She even mentioned being able to get herself off if the seam of her pants was in the right position.  How I envy her that!  She told me of toys that were bought, positions that were done, how great it felt to have her pussy licked.  I didn’t mind hearing all this. 

Maybe it’s because that’s the kind of friends we were. . . We talked about sex.  Because we were having sex.  Because we had someone to have sex w/.

However, J doesn’t have a man, I don’t have a man.  I kinda feel icked out about how open she is about telling me she got off in the morning, or wanted to get off in the morning, or the batteries died mid-stroke.  She’s just not the kind of girl to be that open.  She doesn’t even like to be touched.  What does that tell you?!

I guess since she asked about my assignations w/ OM and I gave her the roundabout of me screaming, carrying on, and almost falling off the bed, that telling me her horniness level is off the charts and what she did to ease it, is fairplay.  I don’t know. 

There are some people you share w/ and some people you just don’t!

I Wonder If the Kisses are Better

So it would seem as if this blog is kind of “4gotten,”  huh?  I guess in the past month or so things have been nothing but more of the same.  And I didn’t feel like reiterating things. 

I’m still seeing OM on a once a month basis.  I’m not complaining about that.  I can’t really.  I have no say in his family life and what he can handle. 

However there seems to be a new devolopement in my life.  I’ve become friends w/ a wonderful, beautiful, genuine, down to earth woman.  She’s absolutely amazing.  And yes, I now have a raging crush on her.  It’s a good thing she’s a lesbian. Altho, not so good because she has a girlfriend. 

Yes, I seem to manage to get my crushes on people that are not attainable.  I’ve realized this.  Not something I aspire to, but not something that can be helped. 

And I can’t help but wish w/ my every breath that something would happen to break them up.  Hell, I wished that for OM and his wife (and it almost did happen!)  But at the same time, I really only want her happiness, I’m willing to forego my own.  She deserves every nice thing this world has to offer her.

So in closing, here’s to hoping I find the guy… OR GIRL…. of my dreams.   She’s given me hope.

He’ll Always Be There

OM. The light switch. No sex clause. My toy.  Never again.

All of this is true.  All of this is false.  No matter how much I want that damn light switch to say the hell off it doesn’t want to stay off. It doesn’t like being in that position.  I hate this feeling of not wanting but wanting.

I got my toy from OM this past Tuesday.  (a  Doc Johnson, White Nights, 7″ Vibe, Waterproof, Velvet Touch, Muti-Speed for $12.67) He whipped it out, battery’d it up and turned it on.  I have to admit the actual sound of it is kind of embarassing.  It’s like you know that sound, you know what it means.  Something other than a human is taking care of my needs.  But in the few days I’ve had it, I’ve played w/ it every night to my heart’s content. 

I rather enjoyed holding it on my clit, moving it up and down my pussy lips as OM watched.  As he placed 1 sometimes 2 dildos in my cunt.  Or a few fingers.  I really loved when he placed his tongue right next to the vibrator on  my clit.  A man who’s not afraid to get his face close to a phallic toy is arousing. 

He said it’s not everyday you get to see a beautiful woman masterbate and I couldn’t help but think of his wife.  His wife should be doing this for him.  I know if he was my husband or even just a significant other there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him sexually.  But I’m like that w/ anyone I want to fuck, I like being open minded and rather enjoy the hell out of it.   And I was about to say he could see it everyday if he’d like.  He knows he has an open invitation to come see me.  Even tho that light switch is off, it’s still on when it comes to sexual things.   And him.

And it’s funny, I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle him coming over and just going  down on me, playing w/ my toys in me. I thought it’d frustrate me to no end like it did last time.  But I was okay w/ it all.  I’m amazed.  I thought for sure I’d be wanting to beg him to slide his cock inside me.  But I didn’t.  I even let him stay dressed. I even let him walk out my door while I held the vibrator on my clit for the other elusive orgasm I was straining for.  He understood.  He told me not to get up.  He left me w/ 2 kisses on my forehead.  (And you know how I am about him kissing me!)

And he told me not to forget about him.  How could I?  He’s the one I’ve been lusting after for the past 2 years.  I guess things like this don’t go away easily.  They put up a fight.  Fists up. Shoulders squared. Legs spread. Ready to do battle.  I think this, me being in lust, is gonna be around for quite some time.  Until he tells me no more.  Or until I want him so much I’ll go crazy w/ not having him.  But don’t worry, my middle name ain’t Stalker.

In Mourning

OM no longer works w/ me.  Now it’ll be few and far between that I see him.  Hell I may never see him again. 

It’s kinda sad him not working there anymore.  In essense he’s been my longest “relationship.”  I was kind of teary-eyed when he left Friday.  Altho he did say he’d call me later.  His later has yet to be defined. 

I’m sad.  Kind of depressed.  And yes, a little disappointed.  I can’t say that  I don’t want him to come over one last time and lick me till I scream and almost fall off the bed.  Again.