Kissing Dreams @ Work

Older men rock. Or so I still think, even tho I probably shouldn’t.  But it’s always that one older man who gets to me.  And he keeps getting to me.  He keeps me on my toes. 

I was just reading another blog of mine and it reminded me that I’ve had two(2) dreams about this man.  And in both of the dreams he’s kissed me.  In a work setting, but not really.  We’re in a our little prairie town cubicle farm, but the background is different.  In the first one, the backdrop was an art gallery.  But he was sitting at his desk, and I sat beside him at the empty desk and he leaned over, touched my leg, and gently kissed me.  Just lips nothing else.  Then he got on his knees, in between my legs and kissed me even better than I could have imagined, but yet, still gently.  With tongue this time. 

It’s odd.  Because I never have sex dreams.  I never have dreams where I get kissed by anybody.  Anytime they start to happen, something changes and BAM, gone!   I can’t even day dream it.  Because my mind starts wondering else where, but damn, I have some good ideas!!

Our second kissing dream, he was in his work chair, but the backdrop this time was my parents’ dining room.  And I was walking away from him, but he reached out, and very quietly said, “kiss me.”  How the hell could I refuse that?  In this one, I think I noticed more that … he has really soft lips. 

Just last night I had a third kissing dream w/ my Older Man.   It was still in a work setting, but I was sitting and he was standing.  And the desks kept changing from the regular ones I sit at to like architecture ones.   Very strange.  He started out talking to me. And as he was talking, his face kept getting nearer and nearer.  He leaned in.  He kissed me.    He kissed me on my cheek.  He stood right in front of me and kissed me on my lips.   I remember … they were really wet kisses, but not w/ any tongue.  (I might have been drooling in my sleep, hahaha.)   I kept having this feeling of people watching us.  I didn’t want anyone to see us.  I kept telling him to stop it, I didn’t want anyone seeing.  And he just kept kissing.  Kept kissing. Kept kissing.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I already know I have a thing for kissing.  But damn it sucks to have that damn alarm go off, or the dream to go in another direction!!!!

Not Doing Anything Will Get You Nothing

My fucktoy, the occassional one, he seems to think if he comes over to my place and proceeds to make sexual comments here and there that I’ll want to rip off his clothes and get busy w/ him.

“Don’t worry, I’ve seen you naked.” “You flashed me that time I was here when I had a girlfriend.”  “I like what we did.”   “You seem to like when we had sex all the other times.”  “You liked having your tongue in my ass.” 

This is all being said while I’m seated on the couch by him flipping thru songs on my CD player out of sheer boredom from listening to him trying to get laid.  He said he came over w/ no naughty intentions, yet every other word out of his mouth is sex related.   I sat there laughing inside.  I knew what he was trying to do.  And yet, him taking off his shirt and showing me his hairy chest, it did nothing for me.  

If he was smart he would have thought back to some of our conversations.  He would have realized I like a man in charge.  He would have known that if he were tearing off my clothes instead of his own, he could have fucked me.  I wasn’t going to remind him, tho. 

It was kinda funny to watch him leave at 10pm when my show, Shark, came on.  I pretty much made him leave.  He thought it was because my show came on.  Once again, if he wanted laid, he should have done something about it, but he didn’t.   I would have given him the chance.

Since that night I haven’t had one phone call from him on a Saturday.  It’s been quite quiet.  Gee, I wonder exactly why it is I haven’t received a call?   Could it be because he didn’t get what he thought he’d get w/ his oh so obviousness?  He didn’t get laid!  Awwww.  

Now that I think about it, I should have put on my black satin robe and greeted him like that, then just see what he would have done.  

I Stuck My Tongue Out at Him

It’s the funniest and most embarassing thing I’ve done to him.  I don’t know why I did it.  It was just something I did.  My face turned bright red.  I laughed my ass off for a good 5 minutes.   I guess it was seeing his shock at me doing that.  Plus what he said next, “I could say something, but I don’t want to get in trouble.”

In trouble?  With whom?  And why?  Would he get in trouble for saying his mind? Because it’s a work place?  Would he get in trouble w/ me?  Would his wife not like somehow finding out what he said?   I don’t know.  All these thoughts came into my head, because if someone stuck their tongue out at me, and I was even remotely interested in him, I would have said the usual, “Don’t stick it out, if you don’t intend on using it.”  I kinda wanted to beg him, plead for him to tell me, but I didn’t want to be let down w/ his reply.

Ever since the day I wrote a blog about the Older Man, it seems as tho, HE KNOWS!  I can’t be quite sure.  But he just might.  Or else he’s bouncing sexual innuendos off of me more. He’s been letting me kow he’s been horny forever, it sounds.  He’s the one letting me know that sex is always on his mind.  He’s been flirting of a sort.

He said he’d take me w/ him when he moved (at work.)   He said his day just isn’t a good day unless I’m there.   And he keeps asking me about baking pies.   (Ah, so his alcohol induced fog isn’t really shrouding his memories of what I was doing that one night I was doing a favor for him.  And hell if I didn’t want him to make a move on me that night, too.)

 He’s offered to come over to my place and dust my ceiling.   He even said he’d tell his wife, or well, ask his wife if it’d be okay, if she had anymore cleaning for him to do.  (And it’s not like he does cleaning because he’s made to, it’s what he does…. He is domesticated and he made himself that way.)

Somehow we got on the topic of S&M bars/clubs.  I know I mentioned Cruising, it went from there.  And he  said that he saw a TV show about an S&M restaurant.  But it was years ago.  He said he wasted a few months on the internet trying to find the place.  He and his wife even went up to NY to see where it was.  Me being the nice person I am, told him I’d try and do some research for him.  I found some restuarant for him, but I doubt it’s even open anymore.  He said if he ever needed my help w/ research again he’d call me, then asked if I kept my window open so I’d hear him.  I was this close to giving him my phone number.  But I shied away because where I work, there are eavesdroppers everywhere, and I don’t need to be accused of anything.  I sorta like my job.

It’s interesting hearing about him and what he likes to do on his excursions.  His wife and him seem to like visiting those kinds of places.  Like in Key West.  And NY.  Jamaica.  Kinda makes me wonder exactly which one he is.  Is he the dominant one or the submissive one.  The way he comes across he’d definitely be the submissive one.  Altho, he’s said in not so many words he’s not.  But yet, I can’t see him bossing his wife around.  In a way he seems to be, not so much afraid of women, just not the kind of tell a lady what he likes or would like done to him.  He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who likes to inflict pain.   Or be assertive.   Maybe he’s just openly deceptive.  Hmmmm…..

This is where it’s kinda weird w/ our dynamic.  He seems to think I’m a sadist to the umpth degree.  He thinks I like doling out pain, that I do it on whim, w/out thinking.  It’s what I do.  I get pleasure out of it.  When I try to tell him otherwise, he just doesn’t believe me.  I know I put a good front up about things.  Like I’m mean. (Which I kind of am.)  But it’s because I haven’t found someone willing to put me in my place.

All I know is I’ll miss him when he moves to a different floor.  What am I going to do? Maybe I will give him my phone number?

  

People Wonder Why I Am the Way I Am

Responsibility, people! It’s a huge word w/ a huge meaning. It’s one worth taking the time to look up, if the definition eludes you.  I’ll even be nice & define it for you, per Merriam-Webster:

     1.  the quality or state of being responsible:

                                     a.  moral, legal, or mental accountability

                                     b.  reliability, trustworthiness

                           2.  something for which one is responsible:  Burden.

Consideration.  It’s another some thing that has become lost in the world today. Not just w/ youths.  Some elderly have given up being considerate & replaced it w/ entitlement.  Or at least that’s what I’ve noticed.  But I’m not here to talk about the “Entitled Ederly.” 

I was at friend’s Halloween Party.  I rarely go out to begin w/ so this was an occassion.   I even dressed up for it.  But that’s neither here nor there.  At the end of the night, I saw something.  Something that shouldn’t have happened.  Something that was avoided last year at the same friend’s party (I was made aware of the happening the following Monday,)  yet it wasn’t avoided this year, because, well, nobody gave two shits about it.   What happened will always happen. 

What makes me say: responsibility and consideration – well, that’s a matter for the Monday after.   What I saw was called into question by my friend.  I told her exactly what I saw.  I was the only one there Stone. Cold. Sober.    And my eyesight, it did not fail me!  I said my piece and that was that.   About an hour later, I got a nasty-gram from the guilty party.

Seeing as how I work w/ some of the people at the party and it was an after work affair, what occurred should not have been brought into the workplace.  

Ok, I’m not able to put this into words w/out rambling, so I’m just going to out and out type it.   

I got accused of being a rumor monger.  Gossipmonger.  Whatever.   This person that accused me, is the guilty party.  And the reason the  guilty party targeted me is because of those I choose to surround myself w/.   The company I keep is very up-to-date on all the goings-on of those in a position of authority and those not.  I usually listen to all the gossip w/ half an ear, because personally……. I. Don’t. Care.   I’m a very apathetic person.   I don’t give a shit.

Anyways, this nasty-gram pissed me off because I didn’t say a damn thing, except for when my friend asked me about it, and nobody was around.  I didn’t deserve a single word that was typed to me.

In conclusion: do not put yourself in a position you’ll have to defend if you don’t want to defend yourself.  Also, take responsibility for your actions, even if they are/were wrong.  And, be considerate of those you think are going to fuck you over, cuz they just may, and it’ll be because of you.

Anonymous Rendezvous

I have a place I need to be at a certain time. I need to be at the hotel to meet you. Altho I don’t know you, not your name, what you look like, where you’re from, or your age (altho you have assured me you are legal,) I trust you. The reason I trust you: you’re making a fantasy come true. We’ve only talked a few times in the chatrooms, but in that time, I figured “What the hell?” You’re a stranger, you’re not going to judge me. You’re feeling adventureous just like me. You appreciate my forwardness.I tell you I want to meet you at a hotel. I want you to be there waiting for me. In the dark. No lights on, no blinds or curtains open. I want you to get a feel for the room in the dark, so you can guide me. So you can set me where you like and do what you like. We’ve discussed that there is no talking, our mouths can not even form whispered words. The only sounds allowed are the ones that come freely of the pleasure being had.

There are no other rules.

 This has been a fantasy of mine now for over 10 years.  Ever since the internet came into my life.  Ever since I talked to an out of state business man who had come here for work, who found me, who suggested something like this.  If it weren’t for him, I doubt I’d ever have thought of having complete anonymous sex.   

I’ve even gone one step farther and had the Stranger become someone I know.  Altho the person may know me, I don’t know that it’s him.  He uses a different name, maybe.  He tells me he’s from out of state, but only truly lives 10 miles from me, if that, maybe.    And maybe the rules have changed….Maybe it’s just that I don’t know it’s him on the internet, but when I go to the hotel room, it’s lit up and I see his face.  Or we keep the lights off and he talks to me.   The only question remaining, once I know it’s him, will I take the chance?

I’m in lust w/  the idea of having a secret rendezvous w/ a stranger. 

A Fantasy Called Rape

I rented Irreversible from Netflix this past week.   I got it for the rape scene.  I heard it was unspeakably violent.  Very brutal.   Etc. Etc. Etc.

For any of you who don’t know, this movie is done in reverse order.  (Hmmm….) It shows the revenge for the girlfriend who was raped.  And it’s not a true revenge.  The rapist’s friend is the one who ends up w/ his face literally beaten to a bloody pulp.  Literally!   And in the middle is the so called brutal rape scene.     Yes, after shaking my head and calling the beginning of the movie stupid, stupid, stupid, then being horribly horrified over the fire extinguisher not-so-much-a-revenge, I fast forwarded it to the rape scene.  

I was unimpressed.  I was disappointed.  I was let down.   Ok, so to me, the only thing brutal about the rape was what happened afterward – having her head bashed in.   And all because she was trying to get away from him.   And she was a pretty rich chick.  And he was just sadistic.  Eh. 

I have a rape fantasy.  I’ve had the fantasy in my head ever since middle school.  I use to take walks at night, up and down the street I live on and think, “What if a guy were to jump out right now and try to rape me?”  My ready answer always was, “I’d let him.  You can’t rape the willing.”   The reasons for that kind of answer was, I was behind the times on losing my virginity.  And I thought that being raped was the only way I’d get laid.   (Can you really call getting raped getting laid?!)

So anyways, since I’ve grown up, since I’ve lost my virginity, since I’ve gotten laid,  I still have the rape fantasy.    Maybe it’s because I’d be helpless.  I’d be forced.  I’d …. oh, I don’t know.   I can’t imagine myself screaming for help.  I can’t see myself fighting him off.  All I see is me just laying there taking it.   (Like a good girl!)  

I never told any of my lovers or boyfriends that I wanted to be raped.  Except for ”Fucker,” (and he’s not a boyfriend nor a lover) he knows, but he refused to do it, since he had a girlfriend who was  raped in his own house by his own friend.   But he did offer to have one of his friends rape me.   How chivalrous.  But I guess the reason I never told any of them, I just didn’t want to have to deal w/ their pathetic attempts.  And I didn’t want them to think I was mental, or something.    I accused my X of trying to rape me once and he got the biggest puppy-dog-pouty-you-hurt-my-feelings look.  I wish he would have said he was………….And I would have let him.  Altho, he doesn’t know that, nor will he ever. 

Maybe one of these days I’ll be more specific.

Scarves, Ties, & Leather Restraints

I don’t know what it is, but I want to be tied up. I want to be blindfolded. I want to be spreadeagle on a bondage contraption my friend built.  Leopard print, red paint, and leather buckle restraints.  All bolted down to the floor, and the ceiling.  But it’s not going to happen … at least any time soon.  Well, probably never w/ my luck.

I started talking to a guy a few years ago.  Then he disappeared, only to reappear last year sometime.  This time when we started talking I learned more about him.  Or I re-learned about him what I had forgotten.   He has a dominant streak. He’s into bondage. He is the fucker, not the fuckee.  And my god, how I adore that!   He said he’s not really into control.  But I think that anyone who is dominant and into bondage has some kind of control issues.  Well, not necessarily issues, but wants/needs.  I seriously have no issue w/ a guy who has control wants/needs.  I actually appreciate it.  Very much.  

I’d like to show my appreciation.  I’d like to show it very much.  But I can’t.  Not because I don’t talk to him anymore, but because I’m afraid.  It’s strange how I can adore a man who is willing to take charge.  And by taking charge, I mean it literally, not someone who is *pretending* to be the forceful, dominant one.  I love that he needs to be the fucker.  I want him to be the fucker.  And I’m afraid of letting go.  I’m afraid to be submissive to someone.  Probably because I have a dominant streak in me.   (Or maybe it’s just a mean streak?  Hahaha!)

Maybe my definitions of D/s isn’t exactly the Merriam-Webster version, but it works for me.   Maybe I’d like to be a switch, but I know w/ this guy, it’s not a possibility.   Maybe that’s what scares me….. And that’s probably why I stopped talking to him this time, not him not talking to me.  Actually I know why I quit talking to him.

I didn’t want to get attached.  Cuz then I’d definitely feel put upon to act the way he wants me to.  And I’d like it.  I’d like it too much.   And then things would go bad and I’d find myself  posted on the internet.  (Ok, that’s just my worst nightmare talking.)   I could love this guy.  Yet, he just doesn’t seem like that kind of “lovable” guy type tho, he seems singular.  Nomadic in his relationships.  However, he’s had long term relationships.   That, I guess, gives me hope, but not much. 

In the end, it just comes to this: he’s the kind of guy I crave.