On The Road Again

I’m dating.   I don’t know why.  Sometimes it just feels so futile.  But I guess I’m finding something worth all the hassle.

I signed up on a free dating site.  And I’ve come across quite a few guys I’d love to try and find that right chemistry w/.  Someone I’d be able to look at every waking day.  Someone I’d love to meet at the door wearing nothing but a red ribbon and some high heels.  But, alas, they’re not interested in me. 

This website shows you who has looked at you and I’ve gotten quite a few peeks, however, I must not be their type physically …. Because it sure as hell couldn’t be what I had to say.  Come on  — what man is afraid of being loyal.  Of having a job and a car.  Of knowing how to pickup a phone and talk on it.  Of not having to be constantly complimented to stroke their already gigantic ego.  And who promises above all not to lie to me. 

Really …  I don’t ask for much.  And actually, I’m not getting much in return.  In the month I’ve been on the dating site, I’ve gone out on 4 dates, w/ 4 different guys.  None so far have been worthy of repeat offending.  Altho, the one I had just recently, possibly may.  Who knows what’s the my cards.

For someone who loves sex as much as I do, I’m sure not jumping on the guys who want to jump on me.  Maybe in my old age, I’ve gotten a lot more picky, a lot more selective.  Maybe I’m finally getting into that “settling down” stage.   I think that’s what it is.  And I think for once, I’d actually like to write about my sex life w/ one guy …. not many.  

But for now, until I find that knight in shining armor, who has a few tattoos and can be comfy in dickies,  I’ll just be the little hum drum engine that couldn’t.

Friends Oversharing

My one friend, J, who I’ve had for about 7 years, told me that she was in sexual frustration mode.  She wished she could have called off.  She wished she could have at least called late.  Her batteries are running out and she needs more, more, more.

I understand exactly how she feels.  It’s almost the week after my period.  Time to get super sexually frustrated.  Especially since I don’t think I’ll be getting sex any time soon.  Even tho, yes, I’ve had offers.  {And this doesn’t include the pussylicking, vibrating toy fun having my OM has been giving me.  I can’t include that.  It doesn’t involve a man’s cock inside my sopping wet cunt.  Fingers and tongues, toys and props only get me so far…..So far that I’m frustrated even more.}

I digress.  The thing is, it kind of weirded me out that J even alluded to wanting to stay home to masterbate her itch away. That she would have if she didn’t wake up late.   I know she’s a healthy 30-something woman. I get that.  But I’m not exactly comfortable knowing when she does it. I should be grateful she didn’t go into specifics.  

Maybe it’s because we’ve known each other for almost a decade.  Maybe it’s because we’ve shared some of our sexual horror stories.  And maybe it’s because we’re both going thru at least a year’s worth of no sex having.  Or maybe it’s just her?

Back in the day I had this really good friend, a girl.  She had a boyfriend, I had a boyfriend, and the stories would fly between us.  Details, details, details.  I honestly don’t think we ever left anything out.  She even mentioned being able to get herself off if the seam of her pants was in the right position.  How I envy her that!  She told me of toys that were bought, positions that were done, how great it felt to have her pussy licked.  I didn’t mind hearing all this. 

Maybe it’s because that’s the kind of friends we were. . . We talked about sex.  Because we were having sex.  Because we had someone to have sex w/.

However, J doesn’t have a man, I don’t have a man.  I kinda feel icked out about how open she is about telling me she got off in the morning, or wanted to get off in the morning, or the batteries died mid-stroke.  She’s just not the kind of girl to be that open.  She doesn’t even like to be touched.  What does that tell you?!

I guess since she asked about my assignations w/ OM and I gave her the roundabout of me screaming, carrying on, and almost falling off the bed, that telling me her horniness level is off the charts and what she did to ease it, is fairplay.  I don’t know. 

There are some people you share w/ and some people you just don’t!

It’s Off. And Staying Off.

The lightswitch is off.  Completely.  Even thru his hidden innuendos and shameless flirting and touching.  It’s off.  There’s nothing there anymore.  And he just bought me a toy.  I’m assuming it’s a vibrating toy.  He’s suppose to call me later so he can come over and give it to me, but I won’t be home tonight.  I actually have plans. 

Something about the no BJ rule got to me.  I can’t handle not being able to do what I want.  Oh and that not so little no fucking rule.  It frustrates me to not be able to fuck.  Especially since that’s what I like best.  So why should I get all frustrated when I’m not going to get what I want in the end?!  It’s just not worth it.

He’s still attractive to me, but I don’t want to be pampered by his tongue anymore.  . . . . Unless, of course, I get fucked sometime soon…Then maybe I’ll just want it to be about me.   Who am I kidding, fucking is ALL ABOUT ME!

****Update: he never bothered to call this past weekend.  Instead he’s now saying he’ll bring it by or get it to me sometime this week.  I’m seriously thinking of ways I can avoid being home.  That way I won’t be lying to him when I say I’m going to be busy.   He really shouldn’t have bought me the toy.  It’s not something I need.  Or actually want.    Especially if I have to use it first w/ him.****

That DAMN Light Switch!

“It turns off, turns on, gets stuck in the middle and the light flickers.”  It’s fucking flickering.  And it’s driving me absolutely fucking mad.   More on this  in a minute.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder is a load of fucking crap.  Except for the in the case of the OIC, altho, lately I’ve come to learn, I don’t like him ignoring me.  I don’t like him taking me “seriously.” Actually, I’ve come to loathe that word w/ a passion and I hope someone kills it.   With OIC, his being MIA isn’t making me fonder, nor is being out of sight making him out of mind.  But that’s neither here nor there.

As for the lousy lay I call the OPW, I think one Saturday of not answering my phone has cured him of his irrational need to waste a couple minutes of my day.

And along the lines of those who come back into my life, Eagles has become public enemy #1.   Ok, well my public enemy #1.  I am about to hurt him, if I could ever get my hands on him.  Which ok, will be never. So I guess my dreams of serious physical harm will never come to fruition.  He’s been giving me the run around and I’m getting sick of it, as you can see.  And I’m getting tired of his laid back view of us meeting.  It’ll happen when it happens.   Ha!  I don’t think so.  I don’t think I’ll ever meet him and ya know, I’m “seriously” okay w/ that. Honest.  I’m not even physically attracted to the man, but I know he’s okay w/ how I look which makes him the best candidate to fuck me silly.   After he made me a promise he doesn’t intend to keep because he’s “not perfect,” well, I don’t know if I want him in my life as anything, let alone a lover.

Ok, so back to this damn light switch that’s on the fritz.  It’s been almost a month since OM has had his head between my legs giving me the severe tongue lashing I so deserve.   In my mind, since it’s been so long, I came to the conclusion that what happened wasn’t happening again, and I became okay w/ that.  Him and I, just friends.  Nuff said.  The light switch actually turned off.  For a couple weeks, I actually didn’t have anyone to fantasize about before falling asleep.  It was frustrating, but freeing.   But then last Friday, he made some damn comments and that damn light switch turned on again.

On. . . . Again.   But then quickly got turned back off.   But then today.  Turned. Back. On.  It’s his fucking fault.  Actually it’s my fucking fault for lusting after his ass so fucking much.  And it’s all because of his blue eyes.  His white unbuttoned collared dress shirt/blue dress pants.  His soft fuzzy hair.  His white chin stubble.  The way he fucking walks, for Christ’s sake!  It’s his fucking fault! And then I get home to find an email that he sent last night.  That I would have gotten last night if I would have thought he’d email me again.   But I didn’t, because of what I thought!  Arggghhhhhh. 

So we’re back to him wanting to eat my pussy.  And if…. IF…. there is a next time, I’m wrapping my lips around his dick!  But I’m not counting on it.

The One Pump Wonder

Yes, that guy who is selfish and only thinks of himself and what will get him off is now back in my life and looking for sex.   The only reason he’s back is because he broke up w/ his girlfriend.  And of course, I’m the first girl he comes running back to.  And all because I’m willing to experiment w/ him.  And there’s some level of “respect” between us.  And because I wore my black robe for him. 

It’s downright ridiculous.  Everything in my life is getting downright ridiculous.  I have the OM who only wants to lick my cunt, finger my ass, and jerk off into my mouth.  I have the One I Crave who has just now started to maybe take me seriously.  And now this dumbass motherfucker who thinks his tiny pinky dick is something that gets me off.  

I guilted the latter man into sending me a picture of his dick the other night.  I didn’t bother to tell him I received it.  I was laughing too much because it’s sad.  I’m going to wonder if I’ll start receiving phone calls around 9:30-10:00 on Saturdays from him.  Because, ya know, I had to bring up the infrequency of our last exploits.  Which wasn’t often at all. I don’t even know if often is rightly defined for the lack of frequency we had.   But he said if we should start fucking again, I can possibly count on every Saturday.  During the weeks, meh, not going to happen.  (I am jumping for joy.)

Ok, so he also said that he realizes he should have participated more in our sexcapes instead of just laying back and letting me service him.  Which I did as soon as he walked in the door till he walked back out the door.   He kept saying that he didn’t know what I wanted, that he’d try to do something but I’d always brush his hands away.  Ya know, this is true.  I would do that, but it was a test.  One he failed miserably.  If he would have just taken charge, he would have gotten everything, EVERYTHING, he wanted plus some.

I just thought of this.  I had to explain to him about the last time he was over.   Remember that? He took off his own shirt.  His own shirt!  His! His own shirt!   He didn’t see anything wrong w/ that.   Imagine what I saw wrong w/ that.   Let’s imagine.  If he wanted to fuck me, and he did by what all was pouring from his mouth, he should have taken off my shirt.  My shirt!  Mine!  My shirt!   I had to fucking explain that to him.  This is where I bang my head on the table or any hard metal surface would do, because if you wanna fuck, why not take charge and rip the woman’s clothes off.  That right there would tell her you mean business.  Especially when said woman would probably rock your fucking world for taking charge like that.  (Especially when she told you she would!)  Hell I’d fuck him till his dick fell off if he even showed one iota of dominance.   

Will he ever take a chance? That’s not the question.  The question is: What’s better, his dick or an erotica book?  I’ll leave you guessing. 

You Drive Me Crazy!

Men are so fucking stupid.  At least the ones I’ve been coming across lately.  I need to learn to leave the chatrooms alone.  Almost every guy I’ve come across does not have a license.  And it’s all for damn stupid shit.  So fucking stupid shit.  

And they’re looking for a relationship.  Looking for a girl to make their lives complete.  I don’t see how their life can be complete if they can’t even drive themselves places.   What if there was an emergency?  They couldn’t do a damn thing!  Legally at least.  It’s all such fucking bullshit. 

I’m 29 years old now.  In these 29 years I’ve managed to hold a  full time job for 9 years.  I’ve managed to live on my own for 8 years.  I’ve managed to have a car payment for 10 years.  I’ve managed to have my license for 13 years.  I’ve managed to have sex numerous times and have never ever been pregnant.   **Knock on wood**  I’ve managed to stay out of the law enforcements grasp, gaze, whathaveyou. 

I don’t see how anyone else can not manage that.  

A relative of mine has had his driver’s license taken away from him numerous times.  And for the same damn fucking thing.  You would think after the first or second time he’d learn his lesson.  You would think.  You would think anyone would learn their lesson.  But some things just don’t sink the fuck in.   My issue w/ this is the fact that I got to chauffeur him around.  I’m not fucking public transportation!  But I was used like I was. . . Still am being used like I am, because I feel obligated somehow.  And I hate that.

This is why I get pissed when a guy who seems like he’d be a good catch tells me he doesn’t drive.  And then I proceed to ask why they don’t drive.  And they give me some stupid ass fucking reason.  That’s what pisses me off the most. . . It’s a stupid fucking reason.  Not one like: I have seizures, I can’t drive.  No, it’s: too many speeding tickets or I set up street races for money, or I got caught driving on suspension. 

I’m staying away from internet chatroom ‘boys’ from now on.  It can go further than what it has and that isn’t far. . .  People need to be able to drive, not have me drive them.   Losers!

IT’S JUST ALL DOWN RIGHT FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

No Sex for Me

I’ll get back to personality after this:

I moved this past weekend, with the help of a male friend from work, who I’ll call A,  my dad, mom, & brother.   (I thought my brother would be working, come to find out he quit or got fired – which is why I asked A.)  Anyways, the moving day did not start off well.  First, I had to go to work.  Second, on the way home to move A decided he wasn’t actually going to pay full attention to how he was driving, and plowed into my back-end.  The sound it made was horrendous.  But little damage was done, just some chipped paint.  Either way, I was okay w/ my baby being hit, and I made A aware of this.  Told him not to dwell on it.  Well, he did, and probably still is 5 days later.

Anyways, A decided to start tearing down my water-bed frame while we waited on my dad to get ready.  In the process of doing this, I told him that the headboard needed to come down first since it is heavy.  He didn’t listen.  Instead, he took off the one side, took off the bottom, and took off the other side.  The headboard comes crashing down.  Well, ok, I caught one side of it, but still, the other side *crashed* down!   That actually pissed me off.  And so I started moving things and got away from him. 

See, A has issues.  He’s taking medication for them.  But I found out he took himself off of his medication for the past week.  Which is not good.  He’s a little anxious.  He dwells, etc.   So, he’s constantly go, go, go.  This part of his personality bothers me.  I can’t handle it.  It’s annoying and just overall frustrating.  Ok, more annoying than anything.

Anyways, my point in this is somewhere.  Somewhere being, I could never, in a million years be in a relationship w/ a man like this.  If I say something, I want to be heard.  I don’t want to have to worry about his mental welfare. I don’t want to have to worry about my physical possessions.   Listen to me!!!

Another point.  All my friends seem to think A and I would be perfect together.  Since, mostly, we already have that  Been-Married-For-50-Years friendship.  We fight, we laugh, we talk, we don’t.  Like we’ve been married for 50 years.   But there’s a reason, maybe two, why we haven’t given an actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship a chance.  His: because he doesn’t want to ruin another friendship. Mine: he doesn’t have sex.

Yes, he doesn’t have sex.  He is a born again christian, which goes against everything I believe in.  I believe I should be able to try the milk before I buy the cow.  I believe if the sex isn’t good, the relationship won’t last.  I believe if my needs can’t be met experimentally, at least, there’s no chance.  

I know this guy, I feel it deep down in my bones, he would never go for what I have in mind.  He would never tie me up. He would never spank me like he means it.  He would never wrap his hand around my throat.  He would never bite me.  He would never pull my hair.  He would never paddle me.  He would just never take charge.  I can only see him doing it missionary.  Possibly even doggy style.  And of course, every mans’ dream: girl on top.  But not how I want it.  Not what will turn me and turn me loose. 

Nobody . . . .well, nobody that actually knows me, thinks he’ll just turn his nose up at my suggestions.  They all think that given half the chance, I could probably get him to have sex before getting married. That I could get him to do kinky, freaky things w/ me.   But I know A, I know him so well, it’s not going to happen. 

This is why I can not be w/ him.  It’s actually first and foremost.  Way beyong his mental instability. Way beyond his need to do everything for everybody.  (He’s not needy tho, do not confuse or blur that line.)   But at the same time, I don’t want to have to deal w/ the way he is on a daily basis.  During work is enough for me.

But yet, nobody seems to understand.