Scarves, Ties, & Leather Restraints

I don’t know what it is, but I want to be tied up. I want to be blindfolded. I want to be spreadeagle on a bondage contraption my friend built.  Leopard print, red paint, and leather buckle restraints.  All bolted down to the floor, and the ceiling.  But it’s not going to happen … at least any time soon.  Well, probably never w/ my luck.

I started talking to a guy a few years ago.  Then he disappeared, only to reappear last year sometime.  This time when we started talking I learned more about him.  Or I re-learned about him what I had forgotten.   He has a dominant streak. He’s into bondage. He is the fucker, not the fuckee.  And my god, how I adore that!   He said he’s not really into control.  But I think that anyone who is dominant and into bondage has some kind of control issues.  Well, not necessarily issues, but wants/needs.  I seriously have no issue w/ a guy who has control wants/needs.  I actually appreciate it.  Very much.  

I’d like to show my appreciation.  I’d like to show it very much.  But I can’t.  Not because I don’t talk to him anymore, but because I’m afraid.  It’s strange how I can adore a man who is willing to take charge.  And by taking charge, I mean it literally, not someone who is *pretending* to be the forceful, dominant one.  I love that he needs to be the fucker.  I want him to be the fucker.  And I’m afraid of letting go.  I’m afraid to be submissive to someone.  Probably because I have a dominant streak in me.   (Or maybe it’s just a mean streak?  Hahaha!)

Maybe my definitions of D/s isn’t exactly the Merriam-Webster version, but it works for me.   Maybe I’d like to be a switch, but I know w/ this guy, it’s not a possibility.   Maybe that’s what scares me….. And that’s probably why I stopped talking to him this time, not him not talking to me.  Actually I know why I quit talking to him.

I didn’t want to get attached.  Cuz then I’d definitely feel put upon to act the way he wants me to.  And I’d like it.  I’d like it too much.   And then things would go bad and I’d find myself  posted on the internet.  (Ok, that’s just my worst nightmare talking.)   I could love this guy.  Yet, he just doesn’t seem like that kind of “lovable” guy type tho, he seems singular.  Nomadic in his relationships.  However, he’s had long term relationships.   That, I guess, gives me hope, but not much. 

In the end, it just comes to this: he’s the kind of guy I crave.