Realized: Not Submissive

Some guy in a chatroom found me and confessed to being a Dom. I said ok. I thought somewhere in my life I should be submissive, or I felt I had submissive feelings towards men.  So talking to him would entertain me for a bit.

I know when I was w/ my past sexual partners, I was always the aggressive one. I was tired of that. I wanted it to be the other way around. I needed it to be the other way around. 

So this Dom decides to give me a call. And while we’re talking he’s somewhat explaining the nuances of Dom-ism.  Ok, so it goes like this.  He said, “say you really want to suck my cock, I really want you to suck my cock, but I really want you to beg for it, would you beg for it?”  I told him I don’t understand why he would turn me down or make me beg him to do something he really wants.  I don’t understand it at all.  His only answer was, “Because that’s what I want you to do. You begging pleases me.” 

So I’ve taken this to mean that Doms like begging.  Ok, not all Doms – I won’t be general w/ that comment.  But enough of them that I’ve come to the realization that I’m not submissive. I’ve come to the realization that the word I need to use to describe the man I want is aggressive.  No dominance. Just aggression.

Plus, I really suck at begging and no amount of practice will make me better.

Not The Experience, But the Numbers

The number of men I’ve been with since the start of my sexual life is in the double digits.  It’s not something  I readily tell people.  It’s not even something I’ll offer up to a current lover.  For some reason, it shames me to admit it.  Ok, maybe it’s not just some reason, maybe there’s a definitive reason.  There is a definitive reason and it is this:  My mainly Italian controlling ex boyfriend.

At the time I was dating him, the number of men I had had sex with was in the high single digits.  However the amount of men I had given blowjobs to, was a tad higher.  And I made mention of this because I thought total honesty was expected and appreciated.  Plus, oral sex is sex, or a form of it.   I was wrong.

I’m a whore. A slut.  Disgusting.  Worthless.  I am all these things.  I was all these things.  

I helped to egg on the image he had of me as a slut and whore.  When he asked me a question about the men I had been with, I told him the honest answer.  I didn’t hold anything back.   I knew his reaction because he told me from the start that I disgusted him and anything I said after that would disgust him.  I tried to fight his perception of me, but he was right.   There was no way I could make him see differently.

I know I should be proud of who I was . . . there’s nothing to be ashamed of having had a multitude of men. Even tho at my younger age, it wasn’t for the experience, it was for the pleasure of it.  I wasn’t very discriminating.  Anybody that wanted to give me pleasure, I was there. 

Nowadays however, I take a look back and realize that the now-me doesn’t want to do that again. Hearing about a friend’s many partners in one month makes me wonder what the hell she is/was thinking.  The now-me just wants to find that one man I can have many, many experiences with.  Someone I can experiment with and not feel judged or labeled.  However if he were to  call me a whore or slut during the act, I won’t mind.

Friends Oversharing

My one friend, J, who I’ve had for about 7 years, told me that she was in sexual frustration mode.  She wished she could have called off.  She wished she could have at least called late.  Her batteries are running out and she needs more, more, more.

I understand exactly how she feels.  It’s almost the week after my period.  Time to get super sexually frustrated.  Especially since I don’t think I’ll be getting sex any time soon.  Even tho, yes, I’ve had offers.  {And this doesn’t include the pussylicking, vibrating toy fun having my OM has been giving me.  I can’t include that.  It doesn’t involve a man’s cock inside my sopping wet cunt.  Fingers and tongues, toys and props only get me so far…..So far that I’m frustrated even more.}

I digress.  The thing is, it kind of weirded me out that J even alluded to wanting to stay home to masterbate her itch away. That she would have if she didn’t wake up late.   I know she’s a healthy 30-something woman. I get that.  But I’m not exactly comfortable knowing when she does it. I should be grateful she didn’t go into specifics.  

Maybe it’s because we’ve known each other for almost a decade.  Maybe it’s because we’ve shared some of our sexual horror stories.  And maybe it’s because we’re both going thru at least a year’s worth of no sex having.  Or maybe it’s just her?

Back in the day I had this really good friend, a girl.  She had a boyfriend, I had a boyfriend, and the stories would fly between us.  Details, details, details.  I honestly don’t think we ever left anything out.  She even mentioned being able to get herself off if the seam of her pants was in the right position.  How I envy her that!  She told me of toys that were bought, positions that were done, how great it felt to have her pussy licked.  I didn’t mind hearing all this. 

Maybe it’s because that’s the kind of friends we were. . . We talked about sex.  Because we were having sex.  Because we had someone to have sex w/.

However, J doesn’t have a man, I don’t have a man.  I kinda feel icked out about how open she is about telling me she got off in the morning, or wanted to get off in the morning, or the batteries died mid-stroke.  She’s just not the kind of girl to be that open.  She doesn’t even like to be touched.  What does that tell you?!

I guess since she asked about my assignations w/ OM and I gave her the roundabout of me screaming, carrying on, and almost falling off the bed, that telling me her horniness level is off the charts and what she did to ease it, is fairplay.  I don’t know. 

There are some people you share w/ and some people you just don’t!

Love of An Older Age

For some reason, a reason unknown to me, I have a crush on my used-to-be superior, I don’t know what he is now.  Ok, maybe it’s not a crush, maybe it’s infatuation.  Totally … but it’s a lot like a lightswitch.  It turns off, turns on, gets stuck in the middle and the light flickers, but it’s there in the recesses of my vivid imagination.

I’m only 28 years old, as of today – and a few few months ago, and I have this lust-on for a man who is 49, almost a half century old, almost as old as my dad, someone who *could* be my dad.  He’s not all that attractive either.  He’s about 5’9″ 165ish lbs, pale brown fuzz hair, and blue eyes that change per shirt worn.  He sort of has a monotone-ish voice.  At least I thought he did, altho over the 6 years I’ve known him, it does actually have some inflection, but it’s discernable, if you know him.  He doesn’t have any stylishness, he’s just now starting to wear jeans that do something for his ass.  He wears preppy “sneakers.”  He drives a tiny Ford truck.  (That right there should tell me, NO!)  He’s married.

Yeah, I forgot to mention, he’s married.  With a kid. With 3 kids actually – two that are a year or 2 younger than me.  The other still in middle school.  Can’t drive yet. Is in girl scout type of things.  His wife is 10 years younger than him… So me being 21  years younger than him, it’s nothing.  Him being married for 10+ years hasn’t changed my mind about sex dreaming about him.   Hasnt stopped me one iota, altho, it might actually attract me more.

(I have a skewed view on loyalty/fidelity.  When it’s directed at me in a monogamous relationship, I demand it.  When it’s someone else, directed at someone else, it doesn’t phase me.  It’s not my choice.   This is why I can dream about married men, this is why I can even have a relationship w/ a married man.  But I could never ask him to leave his wife for me, nor would I accept him if he did.  He cheated.  He doesn’t deserve me.)

I met him 6 years ago, I didn’t like him then.  He seemed -odd- or aloof.  He also had a 70′s shag hair style.   He annoyed me.  He lied to me. But those feelings all changed 2 years ago.  I started talking to him more than I use to, actually joked around a lot more w/ him too – and it wasn’t all innocent.  We talk about anything and everything now.  Nothing is really out of bounds.  Not even sexual innuendos.  Definitely not those.   Those fly.  Those soar.  And I have the teremity to say them loudly.  Maybe it’s exciting.  And maybe my facing turning red, redder than ever, should tell him something, but no.

Yes, I actually get embarrassed by saying naughty dirty things to him, but it doesn’t stop me.  It doesn’t stop him….. Nor does it make him want to run away w/ me for an hour or two and get naughty dirty.   Maybe I’m doing things wrong? Or maybe he’s dense?  (Yea, that is a definite possibility. Definite.)   Or maybe I’m just not ready for him to be ready?